Evanescent
by lissieheart
Summary: DracoHermione centric fic. Delves into the past, the present and the future and how one event leads to the other and how in the end, we can never run away from the fate that's ours.
1. The Start

Disclaimer: I am not J K Rowling and I do not own these characters.

* * *

**ev·a·nes·cent**  
_adj._

: Tending to vanish like vapour

* * *

_The start of this all,_

_The mistake of all mistakes,_

_The very first time that can't be erased,_

_The point of no return,_

_We can't run away from this moment._

**1989**

**Winter**

Hermione Granger peeks around her father's head, straining against her seat belt.

"Sweetheart, please sit down. You might get hurt."

Her mother's row of perfect white teeth winks at Hermione and she scowls, her small round face screwing up.

"Honey," Hermione's mother is speaking to her husband now, laying her hand on the steering wheel, and pushing the wheel to the left. "You're not going the right way!"

"I know what I'm doing, love," her father's voice verges on irritation.

Hermione's mother smiles widely. "Of course you do, honey." She stares distractedly out the window and looks agitated. "But, honey, I really don't think this is the right way to go," she says, her voice coated with sugar sweetness but laced with impatience.

Hermione bites back a scream when her father slams at the steering wheel angrily. "Margaret, I'm driving and we're doing this my way!"

Hermione's mother stiffens visibly. Her dark blue eyes harden into stones like they always do when Hermione has been bad. Her smile never wavers, however. When she speaks, Hermione shakes in the back seat, edging slowly away from the storm grueling in the front of the convertible. She clutches her book close to her chest for comfort.

Hermione's mother's voice is soft and dangerous; a thin line of tension that sounds like it's borrowed from someone else. "If you were doing things right, I wouldn't have to correct you, would I?"

"Oh, Margaret," Hermione hears her father groans, his voice tight and drawn. "Please don't, I don't want to fight, we're on our way to a wonderful resort to have a fantastic vacation and I don't want spoil this."

The car swerves, taking a right turn, throwing Hermione left. The seat belt cuts into her chest and she whimpers barely.

"Not a right turn, honey!" Her mother explodes in impatience, the sugar gone from her voice, now stark and bare.

"I already told you, Margaret, I know what I'm doing!"

"Oh please, don't act like you do when you're obviously doing this wrong!"

"Margaret, Hermione is in the back seat." Her father's voice is tired and hard. "She's tired and she's hungry."

"Well if you're going the wrong way then she's going to have to wait even longer before she gets her dinner!"

Hermione's fear fogs the mirror and she forces herself to look away from her parent's, the mask of their perfect marriage falling away to reveal the ugly reality beneath.

Without looking, she knows that they are glaring daggers at each other, each unwilling to give in.

That is why neither of them sees the on-coming car.

Hermione screams, a splitting note that severs the tension in half. She hears a resounding crash and a firecracker goes off inside her head. She hears her mother cry out in alarm and the car flies.

She feels relief overcome her when she hears that they have stopped shouting at each other.

There is something wet tricking down her face and she feels uncommonly hot.

Something cools skims the skin of her cheek. Her eyes flutter open.

An angel's face floats in front of her.

"Are you alright?"

Her mouth opens but no sound comes out.

"Don't worry, someone come soon and fix you."

"Darling, come along!"

"That's my mother calling me now," the angel says. "We're very sorry we crashed into you. Don't worry though, we're not hurt. We're on our way to one of those hotels for a Ministry meeting, Dad's on some important council you see."

"Darling, what do you think you're doing? Leave the little girl alone! Daddy will get someone to fix her!"

"Yes Mommy."

"Come along, darling, we have to get on our way."

"Mommy, will she be alright?"

"Of course, darling, she will be, I promise."

Hermione groans. "Help me."

"Someone will help you soon."

"You're an angel," she says, not with her voice but with her breath.

His smile blinds her. "I'm not an angel."

She lifts a hand to his face and traces the outline of his mouth, smearing blood on his flawless skin. "Oh, but you are."

His face grows smaller as he moves away from her. She has no strength to reach for him but she tries.

"Don't leave me- you're supposed to keep me safe."

"Darling, we're really in a hurry! Someone will make sure the little girl is alright."

"But Mommy, her head's bleeding and it's all over the floor. Her leg looks like it's… all wrong!"

"Darling, they'll fix everything, come along now!"

"They'll fix you, little girl, my Mommy says so and she's always right."

Hermione's vision swims and everything seems to be tinged in red. She feels her head throb and her entire body aching.

Before she gives in to the pain, she feels the print of his hand on her cheek before he leaves her.

**1998**

**Fall**

"Oh Merlin help me," Hermione mutters, her eyes stinging. "I never knew planning one Graduation could be so hard!"

Ginny smirks at her. "So regret being Head Girl, Ms Granger?"

"Never," Hermione grins. "I worked six years for this title and I'll be damned if I give it up!"

"Can't keep up, Granger? Thinking of backing out?"

Hermione doesn't bother turning around. "Go find someone else to bother, Malfoy," she sighs.

He appears in front of her, sneering down at her. "Oh I don't think so," he plants himself on the table before her and snatches the piece of parchment she was studying out of her hands. "_Food and Decorations_," he reads aloud. "Red drapes and golden banners-" His nose wrinkles in distaste. "Oh grow up, Granger, you think only the Gryffindors are graduating?"

She snatches the parchment back. "Get lost, Malfoy."

Ginny rolls her eyes. "Don't you have somewhere else you'd rather be? Someone else you'd rather torment?"

"Actually," he leans down and bares his teeth nastily at her. "_No_, Weasley. Granger and I," he tosses a dirty look at Hermione. "We make a habit of this. I torment her and she torments me."

"Oh Christ," Hermione groans. "We do not make habit of anything, especially not you and I. Those two words do not go together, Malfoy."

"Head Boy not around?" he taunts. "So you have to do the planning all by yourself?"

Hermione grits her teeth. "Anthony is occupied- he's discussing seats for the ceremony with Professor McGonagall- doing something _productive_ unlike you, Malfoy."

He snorts. "I'm doing something I want to do- I feel that's much more productive, than say, listing out details for Food and Decoration."

Her face heats up. "Screw you, Malfoy."

He looks positively delighted. "To be honest, I really don't mind."

Ginny, on the other hand, looks furious. "It's not funny, Malfoy, Hermione is busy and she has got lots of work to do, so why don't you do the world a favour and go stick your ferret face somewhere else?"

His hands clenches into fists. "Look, Weasley," he hisses but is cut off by Hermione.

"Time out," she shouts, her patience wearing thin. "I've had enough," Hermione breathes. She stuffs her work into her bag and walks out of the Library, without sparing him a second look.

**2003**

**Summer**

Hermione bent down to lace up her sneakers.

Something cold slides down the side of her face. She looks up and she falls backwards, in shock, all the breath leaving her.

She sits on her porch, staring up at the rapidly darkening sky, watching snow flakes rain down in the middle of summer.

In a minute, she feels Harry beside her, his eyes wide in shock as he joins her.

"Good Lord," he breathes.

She nods, her fingers shaking.

"It's snowing," he says, shaking his head in astonishment.

"It's snowing, Harry, it's snowing," she agreed. She reaches out to catch one of the flakes and it melts in her hand, it's so real.

She turns to her best friend, her breathing erratic. "Harry," she says in wonder. "What's happening?"

She backs into her house, away from the spiraling mess of white outside and is overwhelmed by the smell of roses. Her hands go to her mouth as she struggles to breathe.

Harry curses, loud and clear.

"Oh Merlin," she cries softly, kneeling down and scooping up a handful of the blood red rose petals carpeting her entire floor, which had been clean barely a minute ago.

They feel like velvet in her hands. They feel like promise.

**2000**

**Winter**

"I can't die," he confesses.

She gapes at him. "You're joking."

"Trust me," he tells her. "It's not a joke. I've tried it all- I've jumped off a cliff and been found completely unharmed at the bottom. I've drowned, and I've been in crashes. I don't die. Well, at least not yet."

"It's a miracle," she sighs.

He grins. "It's not a miracle, Hermione, it's a mistake. Do you want to know what a miracle is?"

She nods.

"You are."

She is rendered speechless. The girl who prided herself in having the best vocabulary in her year couldn't find a single word to say.

"I'm not," she managed at last.

"Well, I think you are, because after I met you, really met you, I stopped trying."

"Stopped trying what?" she asks cautiously.

"Trying to die," he answers, and he smiles.

The sun comes up in front of them and she thinks of all the possibilities. What if the time he jumped off that cliff and he died? What if they had never crossed passed? What if she wasn't a witch?

The sky is a symphony of colours.

"It's resplendent," she proclaims.

"So it is," he agrees.

"You know what?" she says suddenly, turning to face him.

"What?" He plays along. He always does.

"When we die," she swallows. "Promise we won't spend the rest of our lives trying to find each other?"

He is silent. "I can't promise you that, Hermione."

"Why?"

"Because I spent my whole life wanting someone like you and I think if I lost you, I would give everything, to have you back."

"Oh Draco," she sighs. "There's not only one person right for you."

"Well, right now, that person is you."

**1979**

**Fall**

Narcissa flounders. She grapples at straws of hope.

She struggles to breathe but every cry for help escapes as a bubble.

She wakes up, screaming.

"Cissy, you've been dreaming again," Lucius soothes.

She is slick with sweat. "I know," she whispers. "I dreamt that I was drowning."

He smiles. "I won't let you drown."

"I know," she says again.

"I love you," he adds.

"I love you too," she returns. She curls up on the bed again, allowing herself to drift back into sleep. She dreams again, but this time, she dreams that she's racing through meadows of green.

Her hair fans out behind her and she's laughing. Her bare feet dance over the grass and she's calling aloud. In the distance she sees the silhouette of a small boy, hers, her own, she calls his name and he turns, a smile so beautiful it melts her heart splitting his innocent face.

He races towards her, his arms outstretched and she's crying, tears wet on her face in joy as she realised this beautiful little boy is hers.

He dives into her arms and he swims deep inside.

She jerks awake, panting. Her cheeks are wet and her arms are clutching at her stomach.

"Lucius," she calls and her husband stirs. "_Lucius_," she calls again.

He sits up, rubbing tiredly at his eyes.

"Lucius, I'm pregnant."

* * *

A/N:

How was it? I'm pretty excited about this fic because there's so many directions this can go (:

So this will be the main timeframes i'll be going into- 1979, 1998, 200-2003. It's just the general thing, I might decide to take the characters some where else whenever I fancy (:

Please leave a review! I'm still kind of lost about this so any kind of suggestions would be just lovely. If there are any subplots you guys would like to see in this, don't hesitate to drop me a review. I'll give it deep thought (:

-Lissie


	2. Desideration and Longing

Disclaimer: Not mine.

**Author's Note: Inspiration for this came from Jodi Picoult's Second Glance, I am a major fan of hers so if you notice similarties in plot or in writing style, please don't sue. I'm heavily influenced by her.**

**de·sid·er·ate**

_adj._

: To desire

**2003**

**Summer**

"This is getting stranger and stranger," Ron said uncomfortably. "This morning I woke up and my pillow was stuffed full of leaves. There were leaves in my mouth and all over the floor. I went to get the broom and when I came back, the leaves were gone."

"You sure you weren't dreaming?" Ginny said sympathetically.

"It snowed today, Gin," Harry nudged his wife. "You weren't dreaming, were you?"

Ginny shook her head and sipped her coffee. "There has to be something wrong, everyone is having strange things happening to them-" She sputtered, choking. Harry sat up, alarmed and curled his arm around his coughing and very pregnant wife.

Ginny's blue eyes were wide as she turned her cup of coffee upside down. There was loud ringing clatter as coins started to fall onto the table.

Hermione scooped them up, her heart hammering in her chest. She turned them round and round, they were normal knuts- the kind you see everyday- there were nothing special about these knuts; just that they were all minted in 1979.

--

Hermione dreamed of Draco again.

She hated him for trying to prove her wrong- that he couldn't die. She hated that he made her a wife and a widow in the same year. She hated that she had to play the good person and go save someone else when he was hurt.

She woke up, the room heavy with the smell of smoke and blood. She lurched across the bedroom into the bathroom to throw up.

She could still see the merry-go-round bursting into flames, shooting sparks into the air and she could hear herself screaming, her arms wrapped around the stranger's body as her husband exploded with the ride.

She could have saved him first.

She could have said no when he told her she should save someone else first, when he insisted he would be fine, that he couldn't die.

She hated that God had chosen that time to prove them wrong.

It had been a month now and she still couldn't get used to life without him.

She walked to the window and saw that her neighbour was screaming into the phone, his face red in outrage. She turned her gaze slightly to the left and realised why he was yelling into his phone so agitatedly- his pool, once filled with crystal clear water was now filled to the edges with frogs.

She clasped the curtains shut, gasping in shock. She ran to the fireplace to floo Ginny, so she could have her friend tell her that she was dreaming.

In front of the fireplace was curled a very fat cat, a cat she hadn't seen in four years, since it died.

She screamed as Crookshanks purred up at her, as if it was the most normal thing in the world.

--

"There's nothing wrong with him at all, he's perfectly fine- a normal, healthy cat, Mrs Malfoy, no need to worry," the vet beamed at Hermione.

Tentatively, Hermione scooped her cat up. "Thanks," she murmured. "I just wanted to check."

"It's a good habit," the perky vet continued. "Animals, like us, should get check ups at least once a year, you know, just to make sure everything is running and normal."

"Thank you very much," Hermione said, her eyes glassy and out of focus.

"Mrs Malfoy, are you sure you're alright?"

"I'm alright," she said quietly and walked out of the clinic onto the crowded street, where the sun sweltered over head.

"Why did you come back, Crooks?" she whispered.

The cat mewled.

"How did you come back?" she asked, moving into her car.

She very much fancied the Muggle way of life- of course magic and spells came in handy, but cars always were the biggest link to her life before she knew she was a witch.

There was that terrible car accident, of course, but she had always loved driving. She set Crookshanks down in the passenger seat and backed the car out of the parking lot.

The drive back home was calm, peaceful, even, after all the shock from the last few days.

Things were getting weird, she thought. The snow was a freak of nature, and people were finding things that weren't supposed to be there- Ron's leaves, her rose petals, and Crookshanks. She stole a glance at the cat- just to be sure it was there.

"This is really scaring me," she said aloud and Crookshanks purred his agreement.

"I've missed you," she told the cat. "I'm happy you came back, especially now that Draco's gone-" She froze.

It couldn't be, she told herself. Draco couldn't possibly be making all this happen. It was impossible. He was gone now, he was dead, there was no way he could raise Crookshanks from the dead, or make petals appear from nowhere.

She pulled into the driveway of her house, opened the door and let Crookshanks down.

There was a clatter behind her and she whirled around. Six glowing copper coloured knuts lay on the floor behind her. She ran down the porch, and looked around. There was no one there.

She picked the knuts up, her heart clenching in fear.

They were all minted in 1979.

She choked up, pulling a drawer open and dropping all the coins inside, diving towards the fireplace, pulling Crookshanks closer to her, wondering if it was just her, or did the entire room seem to turn colder?

--

_The sea level rose with startling speed. Hermione couldn't run fast enough, the water lapped at her heels and she screamed, right before the water crashed down upon her, shoving her onto the wet sand._

_Water roared in her ears, whistling and whispering._

_Her hands clawed at the sand which fell away under her hands. _

_She opened her mouth to breath and water rushed into her lungs._

_Her ankles felt like they were being held down. She struggled to swim up, up to the surface._

_Her dress was holding her back._

_She looked down and realised she was in her wedding dress. The veil danced in front of her. She pulled it off and tugged at her dress desperately._

_That dress was so heavy, she thought. She ripped it off her body, her heart exploding in relief, as she swam upwards. _

_The dress floated next to her, rising up the surface rapidly and she realised it wasn't the dress holding her back- it was her. She was holding herself back._

_She looked down frantically at her feet and they were in tangles._

_She tugged at them, kicking and fighting. They were remained in stubborn knots. She looked up and she saw a hand pull her dress out of the water._

_Don't! I'm here, she pleaded._

Her entire body was slick with sweat when she awoke, gasping for breath.

Her hands groped in the dark under her pillow, reaching for the stuffed pig otter Draco had gotten her in the year before for comfort, but it wasn't there. In its place was something cold and hard. She threw her covers off, her breath catching. She turned on the light and lifted her pillow away.

In her stuffed pig's place were six knuts, minted in 1979.

She wrapped her covers around her and felt a sob catch at the back of her throat for no reason as the temperature in her bedroom dropped by degrees.

She raced down the stairs, her sweat cold against her skin, nearly tripping over the heavy sheets she had taken with her. She pulled open the drawer where she had left the six knuts she had found earlier in the day after returning from the vet's.

The drawer was empty.

There was a clunk behind her and she found two knuts lying nearly on the floor.

"Draco?" she whispered.

In answer, the other four coins rained onto her outstretched hands.

--

"I think I'm going crazy," Hermione told Ginny. "I see loose change everywhere! I lost my stuffed pig in the middle of the night and my cat comes back to life."

Ginny shifted in her seat. "Hermione, I haven't told Harry but last night," she whispered.

Hermione leaned closer to her best friend.

"Last night I got up to go to bathroom and the entire room smelt like apples. I really got scared because well, there are no apples around. I looked around and then I see that the entire bathtub is filled with apples, red shiny apples. I touched them and they were real. I didn't wake Harry but I took one of those apples with me and this morning, in the apple's place I found this," she opened her clenched fist.

She dropped the small shining object into Hermione's hands and watched Hermione's reaction.

Hermione held the object up and she felt her head spin.

It was Draco's wedding ring- the one that no one could find in the rubble after the explosion. She knew it was his, because etched inside the ring were the words _DM & HG_.

"Great Merciful Merlin," Hermione whispered.

"I went to check the bathroom after that and there was nothing left in the tub," Ginny said softly. "I don't know what's happening, but I'm sure something is. And I think it has something to do with Draco," she finished.

"He's dead, Ginny," Hermione whispered. "Unless he wasn't lying when he said he couldn't die."

Her hands closed around the ring tightly, the way you held onto a promise, a last spark of hope, with the strength of someone who would never let go.

She promised herself that she wouldn't spend the rest of her life searching for something she would never find and here she was, willing to wager all she had to find another trace of her husband.

--

_The merry-go-round went round and round._

_Their hands are linked as the wooden horses bobbed up and down._

_She giggles like a little girl as she leans towards him, her horse moving up as his ducked down. Her lips graze the corner of his lips before the horses move again._

_He laughs, and bents down to try and catch her mouth with his._

_There's a clunk and a whirr- then the merry-go-round stops. Beneath her feet, Hermione feels something rattling._

_Draco looks around in alarm and Hermione reacts, jumping off the ride just as there's a resounding boom._

_She covers her head and turns around. The entire ride is on fire, emitting black billows of smoke into the air._

_The whole place is in an uproar and she climbs back on the smoking ride, heaving her husband up._

"_Draco!"_

_He opens his eyes and smiles. "I'm alright, darling, go help someone else first," he urged. "There're people who're hurt more."_

_Her gaze lands on the deep cut on his head, dribbling blood down the side of his face; and the strange angle his right leg is positioned in._

"_I can't die, Hermione, not even if I tried, love," he says, managing a weak smile. _

_She swallows. "I'll be back in a second," she promises. _

_She darts between the horses, now still and wooden, and reaches for the unconscious little girl with blonde braids. She scoops the girl up and gets off the ride to lie to girl on the ground._

_She bends to check for pulse._

_There's an explosion._

_She turns around to see the entire ride going up in a storm of flames, shooting fire sparks into the air, and she screams his name, so loud the letters are engraved in her throat and in the air._

_Her arms are still around the girl and she screams, over and over again._

Draco. _Draco._

_She can't feel the tears streaming down her face as she watches the effort made to put out the raging fire._

_Water douses the stubborn flames and the girl in her arms startles to consciousness. _

_She stands and runs back into her mother's arms, leaving Hermione kneeling in the dirt, her heart breaking over and over again._

_When the fire goes out, and leaves in its wake a pile of ashes, she can't find him anymore._

_There's nothing left but cruel dark ash._

_She stands and her sorrow spirals up to the sky in gray swirls of smoke._

A/N: How was it? Please review! (:

-lissie


	3. Forgiveness

Disclaimer: The usual- I'm not JKR, only the plot is mine.

* * *

_What if one day I wake up,_

_And I realise this whole life's been a colossal mistake?

* * *

_

**1998**

**Fall**

_Her breath flutters like a dying moth, struggling and fighting._

Hermione jerks awake.

The alarm clock screams at her. She smacks it fiercely and it falls silent, cracking apart on the floor.

She gulps several deep calming breaths before the fire inside her tames. She feels her pulse slow and she leans back in relief.

This is how she has been waking up for the last week. She startles awake, her heart racing and her anger fuelled. Her alarm clock has shattered too many times. She picks up her wands and casts a repairing spell, putting it back together.

This is becoming a habit.

She pushes her feet in her fluffy orange slippers and cradles Crookshanks in her arms.

Anthony is already dressed and he's reading the Daily Prophet in the common room, his cup of coffee balancing on his knee.

"Morning," he says without looking up, but he smiles anyway.

"Morning," she says. "I'll just get dressed."

"Don't worry, we won't be late," he says, his eyes never leaving the paper.

She ducks back into her room and pulls on her uniforms with frightening speed. She cleans and washes quickly. She hates to keep people waiting.

"I'm ready," she fumbles with her bag, trying to fit all of her books into it.

He folds the paper carefully, slowly and lays it aside. "Let's go then."

"Yeah," she says breathlessly, and she walks out of the door he holds open for her.

She struggles with her hair, forcing it into a loose bun so it doesn't end up a burst around her head.

"Hey, Anthony!" Padma Patil calls. "Can I have just a moment?"

"Hermione, why don't you head down to the Hall first?" Anthony asks.

"Sure, not a problem," she smiles, her patented wide smile, accepting and generous, the one she has perfected from years being a prefect- the indulgent one.

"See you in a bit," he waves.

She hurries down the hall, pushing the straps of her bag further up and there's a rip. Her mouth gapes open and she curses silently. A weight is lifted from her shoulders as her books clatter onto the floor.

_This is the fourth time this has happened this year, _she thinks. Sighing, she crouches down. "Why does this always happen to me?" she grumbles aloud.

"If only you'd stop carrying the entire library in that small bag, then it'll probably stop happening so frequently."

Draco Malfoy smirks down at her, leaning against the wall, looking extremely gleeful at her predicament.

She scowls at him, waves her wand and the split seam binds itself back again. She dumps her books in and stands up.

"Unlike you, Malfoy, I actually study," she retorts.

His smirk never wavers. "Come on, Granger, you and I both know that I'm second in our year- and hell, I have barely half the books you have in that bag of yours," he patted his bag as demonstration. "Lighten up, Granger," he sneers. He pauses, grinning cruelly, then adds, "Then again, you can't afford to- I might best you then." The grin widens and her jaw clenches.

Her pulse grows uncommonly fast and all of a sudden it's hard to breathe.

Spots dance in her eyes and she feels herself swaying, the world spinning on its axis.

"Hey, Granger, something wrong?" he asks, frowning.

He catches her before she hits the floor and her vision clears.

"Get away from me, you idiot!" she snaps, and he jerks away, his face darkening in anger. The animal inside of her rears and snaps angrily. She blinks in confusion and the creature backs away.

Her heart rate falls and she feels guilty.

"No, wait," she gasps. "I don't know what came over me," she explains.

His eyes are hard as stone. "Save it, Granger, you just don't want people to know that the Head Girl lost her temper. Don't worry, I'll keep it a secret- after all we can't let people think Hermione Granger isn't perfect, can we?" His lips curl.

"Malfoy, no, you don't get it- I didn't mean it," she says, helplessly.

"Like I said," he rounds on her, spitting in her face. "_Save it_, Granger, for someone who gives a damn."

He walks away and leaves her staring down at herself- at the monster she was becoming.

_Her chest contracts and her heart swells. There is no room left._

She chokes, fighting for breath, her entire body pitching forward with effort.

"Hermione? _Hermione!_" Ron shouts, grabbing her around the shoulders.

"I'm fine," she coughs out, her fists at her the notch between her throat and her chest, knotted tightly. "Just out of breath," she says, sending him an assuring smile. "I'll go lie down and I'll be alright after that."

"Be careful, I swear, with all that N.E.W.T.s revision you've been doing and the planning for Graduation, plus all your Head Girl duties, you may be overworked," he plants a kiss on her forehead. "Go get some rest."

"I'm probably not getting enough sleep," she says, trying to convince both Ron and herself.

He smiles. "Go on, I'll tell Harry you couldn't make the match, he won't mind."

It is the Gryffindor versus Ravenclaw match. Ron's carrying his broom on his way to meet Harry before the match starts. Hermione promised to make time for the match besides all her studying.

She waves brightly at him and makes a turn at the corner. Her smile fades and she leans heavily against the wall, drawing air into her throat desperately. She tilts her head back, begging the ceiling for help with wide eyes.

She feels someone coming round the corner and tries to pull herself together. She can't, her entire body isn't listening to her commands. Her arms won't move and her knees won't cooperate.

A loud wheezing erupts scratchily from her throat as she tries to ease her breathing.

"Are you alright?"

It's him.

"Fine," she says, and wipes at the beads of sweat on her forehead. "I'm- fine-" she forces the words out.

Draco Malfoy stares at her critically. "I don't think so," he disagrees.

"I'm perfectly fine," she says indignantly, and to prove her point, she shoots him a haughty look and walks away.

She tries to, at least. Her knees buckle under her and the congestion gets worse. She lurches forward, ending up in a half kneeling, half lying position on the floor, breathing heavily.

He goes to her, forming an arch over her, clamping hands at either side of her and lifting her easily.

Her body has gone limp and she can hardly see.

"Breathe, Granger, relax," he soothes. "Close your eyes and relax."

She struggles against him, the pain in her chest intensifying.

He pulls his wand and holds it to her throat. "Don't make me have to put you to sleep to calm you down," he threatens.

She stills and the wand leaves her throat.

"Good," he sounds satisfied. "I'm going to take you to the hospital wing, don't stop breathing, okay?"

She nods and the lights go out- well, at least in her head they did and the last thing she hears is a stream of swear words from him.

_She breathes, her heart beats and the world is still._

The sunlight bathes the entire hospital wing with yellow coloured light.

"… it's just that nothing has been easy," she hears a voice say.

She forces her body to stay still and makes her eyes stay shut.

She recognizes that voice- it's him. Again.

"I don't mean a lot of things I do, you see," he sighs and he shifts. The chair creaks.

_He thinks I'm asleep_, Hermione realizes. _And he's talking to me!_

"Sometimes I don't really like myself," he mumbles. "Sometimes I think, oh Merlin, _Draco Malfoy, you're a horrible person and it's no one else's fault but your own_."

She resists the urge to sit up.

He laughs; an uncertain small laugh. "It's so insane, isn't it? That I need to say all these things so badly but I feel stupid saying it to no one, but I don't want anyone to hear it, so I'm telling you this, knowing you're asleep."

She can't help it anymore. She jerks up. "I'm not asleep," she blurts out.

He yelps, leaping up and knocking his chair over, a heated blush rising to his face. "Fuck!" he curses.

Her face heats up as well. "I'm sorry," she murmurs. "I just woke up and I didn't want to interrupt you…"

He looks furious. "Forget you heard anything alright?" he hisses.

He turns to go but she stops him. "Draco!" she calls.

He stops but he doesn't turn around, but she knows he's listening. She pauses before she speaks finally, her voice so soft he thought it might have been his imagination.

"You can talk to me," she pauses and against her better judgment, she adds quickly, so she doesn't have time to take it back. "And I forgive you," she whispers, her words falling onto him like soft feathers. She sighs and she closes her eyes. "But will you forgive me?"

His entire body stills and he rushes out the room.

She leans back against the bed, for the first time that month, she woke up without that monster inside her, because she had finally admitted that she was at fault, that she, like everyone else needed forgiveness.

_Maybe forgiveness is what I need_

_Maybe it's time to put it all behind my head_

_Maybe I want to hold you and love you_

_Maybe we're all scared.

* * *

A/N: Please review (: Thanks_

-Lissie


	4. Murder and Suicide

Disclaimer: The Harry Potter Universe belongs to JK Rowling and this merely a figment of my imagination. I do not own the characters and I am earning no money off this. Only the plot belongs to me.

* * *

_Looking down on the road you should be taking,_

_but there's no turning back. You are where you are now.

* * *

_

**1979**

**Fall**

_When a part of you dies, _

_How do you make yourself complete?_

Narcissa sat still and let her mother ease the hairbrush easily through her silken hair.

"Lucius must be delighted," Cecilia Black murmured, running a hand down her daughter's hair.

"He is," Narcissa smiled into the mirror. "The mediwitch says that the pregnancy is coming along just fine."

"I'll have the house-elves send tonics and potions over whenever I can," Cecilia said. "Your father sends his regards and so does Bella."

"How's Bella?" Narcissa inquired, the image of her dark haired, olive-skinned and curvaceous sister coming to mind. Bella was always the bossy one- she remembered fondly, the confident one, the one who always stuck for Narcissa.

"The wedding planning is coming along wonderfully, not to worry," Cecilia said, a proud smile adorning her face as she thought about Bellatrix and her upcoming wedding.

"Did Andromeda say-" Narcissa tried boldly, bringing up her oldest sister.

Cecilia slammed the hairbrush down, her hands shaking and her eyes hard as stone. "_Do not speak of her_," she hissed; her voice trembling with anger.

"Mama," Narcissa whispered. "It has been too long, I miss her. Don't _you_?"

Cecilia steeled herself, glaring down at her youngest daughter. "Andromeda is no longer part of our family," she said coldly. "You know that, Cissy."

"Mama, what does it feel like to lose a daughter?" Narcissa said softly, her voice a thin silken ribbon that wrapped around her mother, gently but firmly.

Cecilia turned away. "I do not know what you speak of," she said stiffly.

Narcissa rose from her seat, grabbing at her mother's arm, her pale blue eyes running over her mother's face for any sign of emotion. "Mama, she was your _daughter_," she said quietly.

"I have no daughter that betrays her own family."

"Mama," Narcissa faced her mother head-on, rounding on Cecilia desperately. "Tell what it feels like." _Because if one day it happens to me, I want to be prepared. _

"It feels like _dying_ inside," Cecilia snapped finally, and rushing out of the room, her skirts rustling in undisguised sorrow.

Narcissa wondered how her sister was doing, as she sank back into the chair slowly.

Andromeda had always been the one their mother doted on the most. Andromeda who was top of year, Head Girl, with her lovely buttermilk hair and laughing eyes, who always knew what to say to make Cecilia smile, Andromeda, who had to leave.

Cecilia had never been the same since.

_When you lose a piece of your heart,_

_What do you feel that hole with?_

Lucius placed a protective hand on the side of his wife's hip, smiling proudly.

"Congratulations, Mr Malfoy," Malloy Parkinson rumbled. "Narcissa looks very well indeed."

Lucius swelled with pride. "Tatiana looks fantastic as well."

Tatiana Parkinson blushed and curled her hands over her large tummy. Narcissa pulled her into a hug, beaming.

"It's so nice to see you!" Tatiana squealed. She patted Narcissa's still flat stomach. "How does it feel?"

"Great," Narcissa giggled. "So, have you guys finally decided on a name?" she asked.

Tatiana tossed Malloy a dirty look. "He insists on _Pansy_ if it's a girl," Marla whispered. "Honestly, _Pansy_? Merlin, it's positively terrible. If it's a girl, I want her to be a Regina. If it's a boy I want a Nicolas."

"Regina is a nice name," Narcissa approved. "But what did Malloy say to that?"

"He insists on Pansy," Tatiana gritted her teeth. "And Frederick if it's a boy- that I can take- but Good Lord, not _Pansy_, please," Marla sighed.

"Cissy," Lucius called, grinning, beckoning her over.

"Have to run," Narcissa smiled and squeezed Tatiana's hand in goodbye.

Lucius planted a kiss on the side of her face. "What do you feel like having?" he asked, gesturing to the refreshments. "Celery sticks?"

Narcissa screwed up her face. "I hate celery!"

Lucius grinned. "I know, I just heard from Malloy that pregnant women have strange cravings and I thought maybe, this would be one of them," he said sheepishly.

Narcissa laughed. Lucius' hands rounded on her bottom and he leered at her playfully, which made her turn red and her pulse hammer away. She slapped his hands, making him recoil, scowling.

She laughed. "Malloy wants to name his future child _Pansy _if it's a girl," she said, grinning.

Lucius' jaw fell open. "_Pansy_?" he repeated incredulously. "What's gotten into him?" he chuckled.

"Yes, Pansy," Narcissa affirmed. "Can you believe it?"

"If our baby's a girl, we'll call her-" Lucius quipped but Narcissa interrupted him quickly, silencing him.

"Andromeda," she said quietly. "If it's a girl, I want her to be called Andromeda."

Lucius pressed a kiss to his wife's forehead. "Andromeda, then, if it's a girl," he promised.

"Andromeda," Narcissa repeated, feeling the name roll across her tongue. "For all the things I've lost."

_When you lose something you loved,_

_Do you look for it again?_

"Narcissa, I'll be honest with you," Delia said, setting her wand down.

Narcissa looked worriedly up at the Medi-witch.

"The pregnancy isn't going as well as I would like," Delia said, then added hurriedly. "There's no cause for alarm. But I think that a few more tonics are in order and you should try to avoid any… mood swings. Don't get too angry or agitated," Delia advised. "It might hurt the baby."

Narcissa's chest constricted. "I'll take all the potions, I can't have the baby hurt- I can't, Delia."

Delia nodded sympathetically. "Don't worry, so long as you avoid huge changes in your mood, everything will be just fine."

Narcissa forced a smile. "Thank you, Delia."

Lucius leaned against the door and smiled at her, the edges of his eyes crinkled in exhaustion.

"Hey," she pressed a kiss to his jaw, frowning when she realised he hadn't even shaved and his robes were crumpled. Lucius would never allow himself to come downstairs unless he shaved and looked more than presentable; she thought and looked worriedly up at him.

"Are you alright?" he asked her, his hands stealing over belly.

"I should be asking you that," she said, her eyes searching his face.

Lucius snorted and smoothed his hands over his hair, adjusting the velvet ribbon which held his long hair together. "What could be wrong?" he said off-handedly.

"Tell me," she said firmly.

Her gaze locked with his. "_Tell me, _Lucius," she said.

Lucius looked over his shoulder, his expression hardening. He locked the door behind him and held up a finger to his lips. "It's the Dark Lord," he said, his voice low and hoarse. "He's been… going mad, it seems, he's getting more and more ambitious."

Narcissa's throat worked furiously as she strained to keep from shouting. "I told you he's insane, Lucius, you never listened," she hissed. "He's going to hurt you, I can't- I can't have you serving him anymore, I can't."

"Cissy, I didn't tell you because I knew you'd react like this," he said angrily. "You think I _like _doing everything for him, cater to his every whim and fancy? I _hate _it, but it's not a choice anymore. He wants me to take the Mark tomorrow; he's going to give me tonight to think about it."

"No," she said without thinking. "Once you're marked, you're marked for life."

"Malloy is going," Lucius said wearily. "Tonight, I think… or maybe tomorrow, but soon, very soon."

"_What_?" Narcissa exclaimed and clapped a hand over her mouth, eyes wide. "Tatiana… she _couldn't_ have agreed?"

"He threatened them, Cissy, their_ baby_," Lucius said quietly. "If Malloy doesn't take the Mark, he'll make sure Tatiana loses their baby and she's due next month, it's too dangerous- both for her and the baby. Malloy doesn't have a choice."

"He can't threaten them like this!" Narcissa could hardly keep her voice down. "_Their child_- of course they had to agree."

"Precisely, Cissy!" Lucius' voice rose a notch. "_Precisely, _he's not giving any of us a choice!" He fell silent and rubbed his hands over his face tiredly. "I made a mistake, Cissy," he said softly. "I should have listened to you and kept away from him." He laughed- a low and hollow sound that made Narcissa's heart ache. "I had all these ridiculous dreams about making it big, I believed everything that man said."

There was a stagnant silence.

"I was so foolish, now I'm in too deep," he sighed finally.

She wrapped her arms around him, her eyes frozen steel with determination. "We'll get through this," she gritted out through clenched teeth. "I'll make sure of that."

_When your life is stolen,_

_How do you go on living?_

"Lucius, have you decided?" Tatiana asked.

Narcissa went to her friend in concern. Tatiana had lost weight, although her stomach still bulged dangerously, her arms were thin and her face gaunt. In the light of day, with make up on, she still looked dangerously pale and sallow.

"Tatiana, you look so ill," she whispered.

Tatiana ignored her best friend and kept her gaze on Lucius. "Don't do it, Lucius," she pleaded. "Malloy got the Mark yesterday night," she said, her voice cracked. "Right after He asked you, He sent for Malloy." She spoke the Dark Lord's name with a capital H, mostly in fear.

"What- is he okay?" Lucius' knuckles glowed white as he gripped onto the table urgently.

"It's awful," Tatiana said vehemently, her eyes shining with tears. "The pain, it's horrible, he couldn't fall asleep and he can't do anything else but lie in bed and moan. It's all over his arm, he came home drenched with blood from that damned Mark, and it was _all over_ his arm." She composed herself and then continued. "It's for life, Lucius; you can't ever take it off."

"I have to go see him," Lucius said, his face drained of colour.

Tatiana shook his head. "Please don't go- he wouldn't want you to see him like this," she said quietly. "He wants me to tell you not to do it."

"The Dark Lord wants to see me tonight, he wants my decision," Lucius said wearily. "He won't give a choice."

"For Narcissa, please don't do it," Tatiana begged. "He doesn't have much to threaten you with, he doesn't know Cissy is pregnant, he can't use the child to threaten you."

"I hope I can escape this," Lucius said. "But knowing the Dark Lord, we won't be able to."

Tatiana stood up. "I have to get going, the baby…" Her voice faltered and she managed a smile. "The baby is not well," she hugged her tummy.

Narcissa gasped. "Tatiana, you didn't tell me. I could have gotten Delia to help," she said quickly.

Tatiana laid a hand on Narcissa's arm. "Do you think Malloy hasn't gotten the best Medi-witches to help?" she said quietly. "There's nothing much I can do now but pray."

Narcissa collapsed into a chair as her friend swept out of the room.

"He's killing us all," she whispered. "That sick bastard, he's killing us all."

_When you're dying,_

_Does it matter if you're being killed?

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_

Author's Notes: Thanks to all who reviewed!

I'm having lots of fun writing this- I think the Lucius and Narcissa perspective is one of my favourite part- I like to htink that they had some good in them before. (: I hope this was good!

Please review!

-Lissie


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